Book Title List

Spark: Inspired by a book store whose description reads “you will not find the book you are looking for; you will find the book you did not know you were looking for” Zee offered this spark: write a book list, synopsis, jacket tex, report or first chapter to a book you would find in such a bookstore. This store featured the arcane and the absurd.

A list of books found in a bookstore featuring the arcane and absurd:

• Vampire Hunting by Jacques Van Gould
• A Relief for Fungi Allergies for Fairies by Celeste Pixie
• The Things I Put in the Drinks: A Guide by Max Prist
• Rules for Eating Cakes by Meadow Rose
• Excerpt: Eating cake at your birthday is essential. It may be cupcakes. All calories from birthday cake go to party guests as the First Rule of Birthday Cake. If birthday boy or girl does not have friends/guests, calories go to the cow that submitted milk and butter for cake batter. Rule Two: All cakes must be made with real ingredients or real sentiments will wilt. Eating cake off another person’s plate brings no calories to thief as calories stick to original owners.
• A Better Guide to Vampire Hunting by Gunter Hellsing
• Love Potions that Probably Work by Tristan Brooks
• Love Portions to Stay Away From by Iseult Books
• Dating Tips from Life’s Great Kings, a collection by John Keenan
• Excerpt 1: Make sure she isn’t your mother (Oedipus)
• Excerpt 2: Ask yourself: Would I start a massive war and lose my best men to reclaim her should things not work out (Meneleus of Sparta)
• Excerpt 3: If your first born is not a boy, it’s probably best to cut off her head and avoid mucky divorce drama. Divorce makes finding a new queen awkward (Henry VIII)
• Excerpt 4: Tell your wife that blood on her hands is best cleaned with vinegar and a clean, cotton towel. Ease her mind. (Macbeth)
• Bedtime Stories that Will Keep Your Kids Up Tonight: The Gory & Horrific Edition
• Bedtime Stories that Will Keep Your Kids Up Tonight II: The But Why Edition
• Bedtime Stories that Will Keep Your Kids Up Tonight: New Ideas for Siblings to Fight About
• The Best Vampire Hunting Guide: Keeping Your Skin Intact by Jacques Van Gould
• Monsters in the Closet: Could It Be a . . .? by Father Michael de Brozzo
• Zombies Ate My Neighbors and Spat Them Up: A Boy’s Tale of Horrible Cohabitation by Timmy Thompson
• Starving for Brains in a Swagger-YOLO Suburb by Droopy Yard
• How to Cook Liver: A Cookbook for Zombies by multiple authors
• Deceptive Vampire Authors by Gunter Hellsing
• How to Make a Monster of Legend
• Love at First Bite by Serin Van Gould
• How to Hunt Vampires for People Who Value Their Lives by Jacques Van Gould
• Great Haunts by Mildred Founder
• The Shy Cub by Sam Wolffe
• Vampire Hunting Tips by a Vampire Hunter: Don’t Go There Edition by Gunter Hellsing
• A Guide to Ill-Humored Humans by Celeste Pixie
• Excerpt 1: Humans hate puking. They really do. The Tribucan Stomosis Spell is best saved for zombies and werewolves.
• Excerpt 2: For creatures that strive to fly in planes and admire birds, humans hate sudden levitation. Expect urination and screaming from most.
• Excerpt 3: Humans are already extremely worried about their figures and portions. Avoid spells that inflate skulls and feet.
• The Fairy Godmother from Hell
• Crimson Promises (a very real story, but never a book, by me)
• Who ordered the kidnapping of an orphaned girl? Assassins descend upon Rubenville in the night. Young hero Justin DeBlazz and his allies must fight the last great decimator Astarte to save his estranged cousin. He not only has a trinity of assassins in his way – he must submerge himself in a war rife with murderers, demons, death goddesses, and dragons.

 I most certainly would have written a first chapter, but I am emotionally spent today. Next Saturday will be very productive. I might even write some original content that I've written on my own.